飘

　“Why—”　she　said　slowly；　“why；　Ashley；　you　love　her；　don’t　you？”
　He　spoke　as　with　an　effort。
　“She　is　the　only　dream　I　ever　had　that　lived　and　breathed　and　did　not　die　in　the　face　of　reality。”
　“Dreams！”　she　thought；　an　old　irritation　stirring。　“Always　dreams　with　him！　Never　common　sense！”
　With　a　heart　that　was　heavy　and　a　little　bitter；　she　said：　“You’ve　been　such　a　fool；　Ashley。　Why　couldn’t　you　see　that　she　was　worth　a　million　of　me？”
　“Scarlett；　please！　If　you　only　knew　what　I’ve　gone　through　since　the　doctor—”
　“What　you’ve　gone　through！　Don’t　you　think　that　I—　Oh；　Ashley；　you　should　have　known；　years　ago；　that　you　loved　her　and　not　me！　Why　didn’t　you！　Everything　would　have　been　so　different；　so—　Oh；　you　should　have　realized　and　not　kept　me　dangling　with　all　your　talk　about　honor　and　sacrifice！　If　you’d　told　me；　years　ago；　I’d　have—　It　would　have　killed　me　but　I　could　have　stood　it　somehow。　But　you　wait　till　now；　till　Melly’s　dying；　to　find　it　out　and　now　it’s　too　late　to　do　anything。　Oh；　Ashley；　men　are　supposed　to　know　such　things—not　women！　You　should　have　seen　so　clearly　that　you　loved　her　all　the　time　and　only　wanted　me　like—like　Rhett　wants　that　Watling　woman！”
　He　winced　at　her　words　but　his　eyes　still　met　hers；　imploring　silence；　comfort。　Every　line　of　his　face　admitted　the　truth　of　her　words。　The　very　droop　of　his　shoulders　showed　that　his　own　self…castigation　was　more　cruel　than　any　she　could　give。　He　stood　silent　before　her；　clutching　the　glove　as　though　it　were　an　understanding　hand　and；　in　the　stillness　that　followed　her　words；　her　indignation　fell　away　and　pity；　tinged　with　contempt；　took　its　place。　Her　conscience　smote　her。　She　was　kicking　a　beaten　and　defenseless　man—and　she　had　promised　Melanie　that　she　would　look　after　him。
　“And　just　as　soon　as　I　promised　her；　I　said　mean；　hurting　things　to　him　and　there’s　no　need　for　me　to　say　them　or　for　anyone　to　say　them。　He　knows　the　truth　and　it’s　killing　him；”　she　thought　desolately。　“He’s　not　grown　up。　He’s　a　child；　like　me；　and　he’s　sick　with　fear　at　losing　her。　Melly　knew　how　it　would　be—Melly　knew　him　far　better　than　I　do。　That’s　why　she　said　look　after　him　and　Beau；　in　the　same　breath。　How　can　Ashley　ever　stand　this？　I　can　stand　it。　I　can　stand　anything。　I’ve　had　to　stand　so　much。　But　he　can’t—he　can’t　stand　anything　without　her。”
　“Forgive　me；　darling；”　she　said　gently；　putting　out　her　arms。　“I　know　what　you　must　be　suffering。　But　remember；　she　doesn’t　know　anything—she　never　even　suspected—　God　was　that　good　to　us。”
　He　came　to　her　quickly　and　his　arms　went　round　her　blindly。　She　tiptoed　to　bring　her　warm　cheek　comfortingly　against　his　and　with　one　hand　she　smoothed　the　back　of　his　hair。
　“Don’t　cry；　sweet。　She’d　want　you　to　be　brave。　She’ll　want　to　see　you　in　a　moment　and　you　must　be　brave。　She　mustn’t　see　that　you’ve　been　crying。　It　would　worry　her。”
　He　held　her　in　a　grip　that　made　breathing　difficult　and　his　choking　voice　was　in　her　ear。
　“What　will　I　do？　I　can’t—I　can’t　live　without　her！”
　“I　can’t　either；”　she　thought；　shuddering　away　from　the　picture　of　the　long　years　to　come；　without　Melanie。　But　she　caught　herself　in　a　strong　grasp。　Ashley　was　depending　on　her；　Melanie　was　depending　on　her。　As　once　before；　in　the　moonlight　at　Tara；　drunk；　exhausted；　she　had　thought：　“Burdens　are　for　shoulders　strong　enough　to　carry　them。”　Well；　her　shoulders　were　strong　and　Ashley’s　were　not。　She　squared　her　shoulders　for　the　load　and　with　a　calmness　she　was　far　from　feeling；　kissed　his　wet　cheek　without　fever　or　longing　or　passion；　only　with　cool　gentleness。
　“We　shall　manage—somehow；”　she　said。
　A　door　opened　with　sudden　violence　into　the　hall　and　Dr。　Meade　called　with　sharp　urgency：
　“Ashley！　Quick！”
　“My　God！　She’s　gone！”　thought　Scarlett　“And　Ashley　didn’t　get　to　tell　her　good…by！　But　maybe—”
　“Hurry！”　she　cried　aloud；　giving　him　a　push；　for　he　stood　staring　like　one　stunned。　“Hurry！”
　She　pulled　open　the　door　and　motioned　him　through。　Galvanized　by　her　words；　he　ran　into　the　hall；　the　glove　still　clasped　closely　in　his　hand。　She　heard　his　rapid　steps　for　a　moment　and　then　the　closing　of　a　door。
　She　said；　“My　God！”　again　and　walking　slowly　to　the　bed；　sat　down　upon　it　and　dropped　her　head　in　her　hands。　She　was　suddenly　tired；　more　tired　than　she　had　ever　been　in　all　her　life。　With　the　sound　of　the　closing　door；　the　strain　under　which　she　had　been　laboring；　the　strain　which　had　given　her　strength；　suddenly　snapped。　She　felt　exhausted　in　body　and　drained　of　emotions。　Now　she　felt　no　sorrow　or　remorse；　no　fear　or　amazement。　She　was　tired　and　her　mind　ticked　away　dully；　mechanically；　as　the　clock　on　the　mantel。
　Out　of　the　dullness；　one　thought　arose。　Ashley　did　not　love　her　and　had　never　really　loved　her　and　the　knowledge　did　not　hurt。　It　should　hurt。　She　should　be　desolate；　broken　hearted；　ready　to　scream　at　fate。　She　had　relied　upon　his　love　for　so　long。　It　had　upheld　her　through　so　many　dark　places。　Yet；　there　the　truth　was。　He　did　not　love　her　and　she　did　not　care。　She　did　not　care　because　she　did　not　love　him。　She　did　not　love　him　and　so　nothing　he　could　do　or　say　could　hurt　her。
　She　lay　down　on　the　bed　and　put　her　head　on　the　pillow　tiredly。　Useless　to　try　to　combat　the　idea；　useless　to　say　to　herself：　“But　I　do　love　him。　I’ve　loved　him　for　years。　Love　can’t　change　to　apathy　in　a　minute。”
　But　it　could　change　and　it　had　changed。
　“He　never　really　existed　at　all；　except　in　my　imagination；”　she　thought　wearily。　“I　loved　something　I　made　up；　something　that’s　just　as　dead　as　Melly　is。　I　made　a　pretty　suit　of　clothes　and　fell　in　love　with　it。　And　when　Ashley　came　riding　along；　so　handsome；　so　different；　I　put　that　suit　on　him　and　made　him　wear　it　whether　it　fitted　him　or　not。　And　I　wouldn’t　see　what　he　really　was。　I　kept　on　loving　the　pretty　clothes—and　not　him　at　all。”
　Now　she　could　look　back　down　the　long　years　and　see　herself　in　green　flowered　dimity；　standing　in　the　sunshine　at　Tara；　thrilled　by　the　young　horseman　with　his　blond　hair　shining　like　a　silver　helmet。　She　could　see　so　clearly　now　that　he　was　only　a　childish　fancy；　no　more　important　really　than　her　spoiled　desire　for　the　aquamarine　earbobs　she　had　coaxed　out　of　Gerald。　For；　once　she　owned　the　earbobs；　they　had　lost　their　value；　as　everything　except　money　lost　its　value　once　it　was　hers。　And　so　he；　too；　would　have　become　cheap　if；　in　those　first　far…away　days；　she　had　ever　had　the　satisfaction　of　refusing　to　marry　him。　If　she　had　ever　had　him　at　her　mercy；　seen　him　grown　passionate；　importunate；　jealous；　sulky；　pleading；　like　the　other　boys；　the　wild　infatuation　which　had　possessed　her　would　have　passed；　blowing　away　as　lightly　as　mist　before　sunshine　and　light　wind　when　she　met　a　new　man。
　“What　a　fool　I’ve　been；”　she　thought　bitterly。　“And　now　I’ve　got　to　pay　for　it　What　I’ve　wished　for　so　often　has　happened。　I’ve　wished　Melly　was　dead　so　I　could　have　him。　And　now　she’s　dead　and　I’ve　got　him　and　I　don’t　want　him。　His　damned　honor　will　make　him　ask　me　if　I　want　to　divorce　Rhett　and　marry　him。　Marry　him？　I　wouldn’t　have　him　on　a　silver　platter！　But；　just　the　same　I’ve　got　him　round　my　neck　for　the　rest　of　my　life。　As　long　as　I　live　I’ll　have　to　look　after　him　and　see　that　he　doesn’t　starve　and　that　people　don’t　hurt　his　feelings。　He’ll　be　just　another　child；　clinging　to　my　skirts。　I’ve　lost　my　lover　and　I’ve　got　another　child。　And　if　I　hadn’t　promised　Melly；　I’d—I　wouldn’t　care　if　I　never　saw　him　again。”
　
　CHAPTER　LXII
　SHE　HEARD　whispering　voices　outside；　and　going　to　the　door　she　saw　the　frightened　negroes　standing　in　the　back　hall；　Dilcey　with　her　arms　sagging　under　the　heavy　weight　of　the　sleeping　Beau；　Uncle　Peter　crying；　and　Cookie　wiping　her　wide　wet　face　on　her　apron。　All　three　looked　at　her；　dumbly　asking　what　they　were　to　do　now。　She　looked　up　the　hall　toward　the　sitting　room　and　saw　India　and　Aunt　Pitty　standing　speechless；　holding　each　other’s　hands　and；　for　once；　India　had　lost　her　stiff…necked　look。　Like　the　negroes；　they　looked　imploringly　at　her；　expecting　her　to　give　instructions。　She　walked　into　the　sitting　room　and　the　two　women　closed　about　her。
　Oh；　Scarlett；　what—”　began　Aunt　Pitty；　her　fat；　child’s　mouth　shaking。
　“Don’t　speak　to　me　or　I’ll　scream；”　said　Scarlett。　Overwrought　nerves　brought　sharpness　to　her　voice　and　her　hands　clenched　at　her　sides。　The　thought　of　speaking　of　Melanie　now；　of　making　the　inevitable　arrangements　that　follow　a　death　made　her　throat　tighten。　“I　don’t　want　a　word　out　of　either　of　you。”
　At　the　authoritative　note　in　her　voice；　they　fell　back；　helpless　hurt　looks　on　their　faces。　“I　mustn’t　cry　in　front　of　them；”　she　thought。　“I　mustn’t　break　now　or　they’ll　begin　crying　too；　and　then　the　darkies　will　begin　screaming　and　we’ll　all　go　mad。　I　must　pull　myself　together。　There’s　so　much　I’ll　have　to　do。　See　the　undertaker　and　arrange　the　funeral　and　see　that　the　house　is　clean　and　be　here　to　talk　to　people　who’ll　cry　on　my　neck。　Ashley　can’t　do　them。　I’ve　got　to　do　them。　Oh；　what　a　weary　load！　It’s　always　been　a　weary　load　and　always　some　one　else