飘

　“Oh；　Rhett　。。。”　she　began；　miserable　at　the　very　mention　of　Belle’s　name；　but　he　waved　her　to　silence　and　went　on。
　“And　then；　that　night　when　I　carried　you　upstairs—I　thought—I　hoped—I　hoped　so　much　I　was　afraid　to　face　you　the　next　morning；　for　fear　I’d　been　mistaken　and　you　didn’t　love　me。　I　was　so　afraid　you’d　laugh　at　me　I　went　off　and　got　drunk。　And　when　I　came　back；　I　was　shaking　in　my　boots　and　if　you　had　come　even　halfway　to　meet　me；　had　given　me　some　sign；　I　think　I’d　have　kissed　your　feet。　But　you　didn’t。”
　“Oh；　but　Rhett；　I　did　want　you　then　but　you　were　so　nasty！　I　did　want　you！　I　think—yes；　that　must　have　been　when　I　first　knew　I　cared　about　you。　Ashley—I　never　was　happy　about　Ashley　after　that；　but　you　were　so　nasty　that　I—”
　“Oh；　well；”　he　said。　“It　seems　we’ve　been　at　cross　purposes；　doesn’t　it？　But　it　doesn’t　matter　now。　I’m　only　telling　you；　so　you　won’t　ever　wonder　about　it　all。　When　you　were　sick　and　it　was　all　my　fault；　I　stood　outside　your　door；　hoping　you’d　call　for　me；　but　you　didn’t；　and　then　I　knew　what　a　fool　I’d　been　and　that　it　was　all　over。”
　He　stopped　and　looked　through　her　and　beyond　her；　even　as　Ashley　had　often　done；　seeing　something　she　could　not　see。　And　she　could　only　stare　speechless　at　his　brooding　face。
　“But　then；　there　was　Bonnie　and　I　saw　that　everything　wasn’t　over；　after　all。　I　liked　to　think　that　Bonnie　was　you；　a　little　girl　again；　before　the　war　and　poverty　had　done　things　to　you。　She　was　so　like　you；　so　willful；　so　brave　and　gay　and　full　of　high　spirits；　and　I　could　pet　her　and　spoil　her—just　as　I　wanted　to　pet　you。　But　she　wasn’t　like　you—she　loved　me。　It　was　a　blessing　that　I　could　take　the　love　you　didn’t　want　and　give　it　to　her　。。。　When　she　went；　she　took　everything。”
　Suddenly　she　was　sorry　for　him；　sorry　with　a　completeness　that　wiped　out　her　own　grief　and　her　fear　of　what　his　words　might　mean。　It　was　the　first　time　in　her　life　she　had　been　sorry　for　anyone　without　feeling　contemptuous　as　well；　because　it　was　the　first　time　she　had　ever　approached　understanding　any　other　human　being。　And　she　could　understand　his　shrewd　caginess；　so　like　her　own；　his　obstinate　pride　that　kept　him　from　admitting　his　love　for　fear　of　a　rebuff。
　“Ah；　darling；”　she　said　coming　forward；　hoping　he　would　put　out　his　arms　and　draw　her　to　his　knees。　“Darling；　I’m　so　sorry　but　I’ll　make　it　all　up　to　you！　We　can　be　so　happy；　now　that　we　know　the　truth　and—Rhett—look　at　me；　Rhett！　There—there　can　be　other　babies—not　like　Bonnie　but—”
　“Thank　you；　no；”　said　Rhett；　as　if　he　were　refusing　a　piece　of　bread。　“I’ll　not　risk　my　heart　a　third　time。”
　“Rhett；　don’t　say　such　things！　Oh；　what　can　I　say　to　make　you　understand？　I’ve　told　you　how　sorry　I　am—”
　“My　darling；　you’re　such　a　child。　You　think　that　by　saying；　‘I’m　sorry；’　all　the　errors　and　hurts　of　years　past　can　be　remedied；　obliterated　from　the　mind；　all　the　poison　drawn　from　old　wounds。　。。。　Take　my　handkerchief；　Scarlett。　Never；　at　any　crisis　of　your　life；　have　I　known　you　to　have　a　handkerchief。”
　She　took　the　handkerchief；　blew　her　nose　and　sat　down。　It　was　obvious　that　he　was　not　going　to　take　her　in　his　arms。　It　was　beginning　to　be　obvious　that　all　his　talk　about　loving　her　meant　nothing。　It　was　a　tale　of　a　time　long　past　and　he　was　looking　at　it　as　though　it　had　never　happened　to　him。　And　that　was　frightening。　He　looked　at　her　in　an　almost　kindly　way；　speculation　in　his　eyes。
　“How　old　are　you；　my　dear？　You　never　would　tell　me。”
　“Twenty…eight；”　she　answered　dully；　muffled　in　the　handkerchief。
　“That’s　not　a　vast　age。　It’s　a　young　age　to　have　gained　the　whole　world　and　lost　your　own　soul；　isn’t　it？　Don’t　look　frightened。　I’m　not　referring　to　hell　fire　to　come　for　your　affair　with　Ashley。　I’m　merely　speaking　metaphorically。　Ever　since　I’ve　known　you；　you’ve　wanted　two　things。　Ashley　and　to　be　rich　enough　to　tell　the　world　to　go　to　hell。　Well；　you　are　rich　enough　and　you’ve　spoken　sharply　to　the　world　and　you’ve　got　Ashley；　if　you　want　him。　But　all　that　doesn’t　seem　to　be　enough　now。”
　She　was　frightened　but　not　at　the　thought　of　hell　fire。　She　was　thinking：　“But　Rhett　is　my　soul　and　I’m　losing　him。　And　if　I　lose　him；　nothing　else　matters！　No；　not　friends　or　money　or—or　anything。　If　only　I　had　him　I　wouldn’t　even　mind　being　poor　again。　No；　I　wouldn’t　mind　being　cold　again　or　even　hungry。　But　he　can’t　mean—　Oh；　he　can’t！”
　She　wiped　her　eyes　and　said　desperately：
　“Rhett；　if　you　once　loved　me　so　much；　there　must　be　something　left　for　me。”
　“Out　of　it　all　I　find　only　two　things　that　remain　and　they　are　the　two　things　you　hate　the　most—pity　and　an　odd　feeling　of　kindness。”
　Pity！　Kindness！　“Oh；　my　God；”　she　thought　despairingly。　Anything　hut　pity　and　kindness。　Whenever　she　felt　these　two　emotions　for　anyone；　they　went　hand　in　hand　with　contempt　Was　he　contemptuous　of　her　too？　Anything　would　be　preferable　to　that。　Even　the　cynical　coolness　of　the　war　days；　the　drunken　madness　that　drove　him　the　night　he　carried　her　up　the　stairs；　his　hard　fingers　bruising　her　body；　or　the　barbed　drawling　words　that　she　now　realized　had　covered　a　bitter　love。　Anything　except　this　impersonal　kindness　that　was　written　so　plainly　in　his　face。
　“Then—then　you　mean　I’ve　ruined　it　all—that　you　don’t　love　me　any　more？”
　“That’s　right。”
　“But；”　she　said　stubbornly；　like　a　child　who　still　feels　that　to　state　a　desire　is　to　gain　that　desire；　“but　I　love　you！”
　“That’s　your　misfortune。”
　She　looked　up　quickly　to　see　if　there　was　a　jeer　behind　those　words　but　there　was　none。　He　was　simply　stating　a　fact。　But　it　was　a　fact　she　still　would　not　believe—could　not　believe。　She　looked　at　him　with　slanting　eyes　that　burned　with　a　desperate　obstinacy　and　the　sudden　hard　line　of　jaw　that　sprang　out　through　her　soft　cheek　was　Gerald’s　jaw。
　“Don’t　be　a　fool；　Rhett！　I　can　make—”
　He　flung　up　a　hand　in　mock　horror　and　his　black　brows　went　up　in　the　old　sardonic　crescents。
　“Don’t　look　so　determined；　Scarlett！　You　frighten　me。　I　see　you　are　contemplating　the　transfer　of　your　tempestuous　affections　from　Ashley　to　me　and　I　fear　for　my　liberty　and　my　peace　of　mind。　No；　Scarlett；　I　will　not　be　pursued　as　the　luckless　Ashley　was　pursued。　Besides；　I　am　going　away。”
　Her　jaw　trembled　before　she　clenched　her　teeth　to　steady　it。　Go　away？　No；　anything　but　that！　How　could　life　go　on　without　him？　Everyone　had　gone　from　her；　everyone　who　mattered　except　Rhett。　He　couldn’t　go。　But　how　could　she　stop　him？　She　was　powerless　against　his　cool　mind；　his　disinterested　words。
　“I　am　going　away。　I　intended　to　tell　you　when　you　came　home　from　Marietta。”
　“You　are　deserting　me？”
　“Don’t　be　the　neglected；　dramatic　wife；　Scarlett。　The　role　isn’t　becoming。　I　take　it；　then；　you　do　not　want　a　divorce　or　even　a　separation？　Well；　then；　I’ll　come　back　often　enough　to　keep　gossip　down。”
　“Damn　gossip！”　she　said　fiercely。　“It’s　you　I　want。　Take　me　with　you！”
　“No；”　he　said；　and　there　was　finality　in　his　voice。　For　a　moment　she　was　on　the　verge　of　an　outburst　of　childish　wild　tears。　She　could　have　thrown　herself　on　the　floor；　cursed　and　screamed　and　drummed　her　heels。　But　some　remnant　of　pride；　of　common　sense　stiffened　her。　She　thought；　if　I　did；　he’d　only　laugh；　or　just　look　at　me。　I　mustn’t　bawl；　I　mustn’t　beg。　I　mustn’t　do　anything　to　risk　his　contempt。　He　must　respect　me　even—even　if　he　doesn’t　love　me。
　She　lifted　her　chin　and　managed　to　ask　quietly：
　“Where　will　you　go？”
　There　was　a　faint　gleam　of　admiration　in　his　eyes　as　he　answered。
　“Perhaps　to　England—or　to　Paris。　Perhaps　to　Charleston　to　try　to　make　peace　with　my　people。”
　“But　you　hate　them！　I’ve　heard　you　laugh　at　them　so　often　and—”
　He　shrugged。
　“I　still　laugh—but　I’ve　reached　the　end　of　roaming；　Scarlett　I’m　forty…five—the　age　when　a　man　begins　to　value　some　of　the　things　he’s　thrown　away　so　lightly　in　youth；　the　clannishness　of　families；　honor　and　security；　roots　that　go　deep—　Oh；　not　I’m　not　recanting；　I’m　not　regretting　anything　I’ve　ever　done。　I’ve　had　a　hell　of　a　good　time—such　a　hell　of　a　good　time　that　it’s　begun　to　pall　and　now　I　want　something　different。　No；　I　never　intend　to　change　more　than　my　spots。　But　I　want　the　outer　semblance　of　the　things　I　used　to　know；　the　utter　boredom　of　respectability—other　people’s　respectability；　my　pet；　not　my　own—the　calm　dignity　life　can　have　when　it’s　lived　by　gentle　folks；　the　genial　grace　of　days　that　are　gone。　When　I　lived　those　days　I　didn’t　realize　the　slow　charm　of　them—”
　Again　Scarlett　was　back　in　the　windy　orchard　of　Tara　and　there　was　the　same　look　in　Rhett’s　eyes　that　had　been　in　Ashley’s　eyes　that　day。　Ashley’s　words　were　as　clear　in　her　ears　as　though　he　and　not　Rhett　were　speaking。　Fragments　of　words　came　back　to　her　and　she　quoted　parrot…like：　“A　glamour　to　it—a　perfection；　a　symmetry　like　Grecian　art。”
　Rhett　said　sharply：　“Why　did　you　say　that？　That’s　what　I　meant。”
　“It　was　something　that—that　Ashley　said　once；　about　the　old　days。”
　He　shrugged　and　the　light　went　out　of　his　eyes。
　“Always　Ashley；”　he　said　and　was　silent　for　a　moment。